youthnovels.

my fave artist's birthday was on saturday.

LYKKE LI!

anyone who knows me. knows I love her. she is talent. unadulterated talent. unafraid of being exactly who she is. be it weird. crazy or watevs. she does the most, to say the least. dances like no one's watching. sings whatever you're afraid to say.

enough gush though. the proof is in the pudding.

ugh. she takes this awesome ass KOL song that she already has a genius cover recorded for. and does an acoustic version. LIVE. swoooooooon.

and even if you're not into her music i'm sure you could appreciate her art it all the same. 

:)

paper dolls.

I'm not one who makes friends easily.

self-proclaimed loner here. well recovering at least.

over the years I've become more socially adept, of course.

but I'm still extremely private.

I live in my head. I'm comfortable there. 

plus,

given my formerly unstable relationship with my mother. I had/have trust issues when it comes to women. 

my romantic relationships were my crutches. I wasn't one of those who'll say. 

"yeah I hate girls. that's why I have so many guy friends."

no.

I just had whatever boyfriend taking up space at that moment. I felt no need for women friends.

as I grew older, though. in age and in mind. wisdom, if you will. 

I began to see the importance of women friends.

the crux of it is.

there are so many women out here who are anti-woman.

I never believed my self a woman-hater.

I just didn't feel the need to surround myself with them.

we are the crabs-in-a-barrel gender.

we'd rather slamdance each other emotionally. oftentimes for the sake of a man.

horrible.

up until recently. I was aware of this on a general, impersonal level. call me naive,

I forgot it happens in real life.

in all honesty,

I'm a heart-on-my-sleeve/loyaler than a mug/ride or die/ready to spill blood at a moment's notice. sort of friend/relative when I open myself to you in that regard.

and I expect the same in return.

which works in theory with women. but most times not in practice.

my point being, I had an experience with an ex-friend.

that ultimately ended over 

surprise, surprise. a man.

it was surreal, to say the least.

it's just disheartening. 

I want women to be women. and love each other for being so.

to love themselves. 

not to view each other as expendable if "prince charming"  or "sir captain douchebag playing dress-up as prince charming" comes riding along on a white horse.

we should be our biggest cheerleaders.

we should validate ourselves. validate each other.

lift and love.

lift and love. 

that's all I ask.

p.s. maybe i'll do a post on what happened. 

but who knows.

*shrug*

exhale.

hell week is over.
well.
I still have class tomorrow. but with 2 papers and a midterm in 72 hours behind me. I can breathe easy.
happy happy joy joy.

air made of bricks.

as a senior in college.

i'm supposed to have a direction. i'm supposed to have laid the beginning bricks of the foundation also known as my future.

yeah ok.

"the best plan is life without a plan" right? ha. I wish.
after all of these years.
a steady stream of internships.

an enviable gpa. 

countless major changes.
a bunch of great contacts.
i'm still at square one, on this career path thing.

some people tell me, "aww, you have time." and others give the supreme side-eye. as though to say. 

"bitch get your life in order."

in all honesty,

I have no idea what I want to do anymore. the overabundance of options has left me dazed and confused.

furthermore,

the pressure of this hoe sallie mae weighs on my conscience. what to do, when the decision is between career happiness and financial obligations?

man oh man.

I know my plight isn't unique. a number of my friends are equally dazed and confused. it's just a frustrating process when (as a senior who should've figured all this mess out by now) I constantly gets asked these life goal questions. and give the blank stare in response.

they (the MAN) made this formula appear so simple. 

high school + college ^ (awesome gpa * internships *optional extracurriculars)  = AWESOME JOB w/ benefits and a new car.

fool, please.

just pay my loans. thank you and goodnight.

i'm over this whole experience. kindly point me to the exit. kthanx. 

I dream in emo.

I fell asleep after 4 a.m. and slept through the entire day. I needed it, I promise.

when I woke up. 

there was this unsettled, disturbed feeling in the pit of my stomach. unshakable.

sifting through the multiple dreams had that night. I found the source.

so, 

get this. 

I dreamt of that guy (who is undeserving of even a nickname and shall remain "that guy." *shrug.) 

[insert brief recap of said dream]

he comes over to visit with his friend who actually happens to be dating my best friend. we hang out. engage in unmentionables probably. but he doesn't speak. at all. he has to leave because some sort of unknown duty is calling. it seemed like WWII in my dream. I think he might've been fleeing Nazi-occupied Germany. [for serious, though]. and as we have the dramatic farewell. I tell him, "I love you." and he stares blankly at me. I say it again. and he walks away.

how tragic.

let me just say I don't love him. never did. we dated (note past tense). for six months. the first two were kinda great. the next 4, just being downright miserable. with flecks of awesome here and there. he was incapable of a relationship for various reasons (distance - i'm in school 2 hrs away, being numero uno). and long story short. it ended. I deleted him, both literally and and figuratively. sparking the much-needed talk. that resulted in us both deciding it was going nowhere fast. and here I am less than a week later.

emotionally cutting in my subconscious.

ugh.

trust me, I've accepted this failed "relationship." I don't think that's the problem.  what I do know is. I have a tendency to dwell. dwell on things that slay me.
imagine. it's like holding a hot curling iron in your hands. and refusing to let go.

yeah, that's me. a masochist, terrorizing my emotional state.

so, while I have no interest in him anymore. it doesn't mean that I'm immune to the pain that comes with putting yourself out there and getting your feelings hurt. 

I try not to think of him. it's easier to move on that way. but of course my wondrously good evil subconscious is at it  again. dredging up the things I hate the most.

that hurt the most. 

I guess it was speaking to unrequited feelings maybe? who knows. who cares? maybe I do, a bit. but that's besides the point.

*siggggghhhh.

I'm trying.

I'm flailing. I'm falling. I'm getting up. I'm living. I'm learning. it's a process. c'est la vie.

gravity.

seems as though every time
I attempt to leave the blogosphere. I end up back where I started.
here. but anyway...
hi,
remember me?
I used to muse and gripe and bullshit over here.
[don't think i'll delete it. for nostalgia's sake.]
much has changed. much has remained the same.
I'm still evolving
in spirit.
in character.
in taste.
in style.
my preference is still to be wild as the wind. ever-changing. transforming. adapting as need be.
I returned to school (on my own mostly.) sooner or later it'll be over. I am not looking forward to it.
I'll have more to say tomorrow. when i'm not as exhausted from getting this bitch up and running.
smooch.